High school seemed to drag by. I’m sure that’s how it was for many of you. People always say what you do your freshman year, sticks with you. Especially in a small town with a graduating class of less than 200. It all started with one bad decision.
It was a summer night a few weeks before my freshman year! My friend and I were getting dolled up ready to meet up with some senior boys. They were having a “party” or that’s what they told us. This “party” consisted of the 4 of us. Who cares, it’ll be fun. Did I mention this was my first time drinking? First time doing drugs? (First of many) Peach Schnapps, Peppermint Schnapps, Tequila, Beers, it all went down like water. I kept drinking thinking I was invincible. Until I couldn’t feel.. my.. thoughts.. I came to laying in bed next to a boy. His pants were down, as were mine. It wasn’t assault, it was okay. That’s what I told myself. I knew what assault was, I knew what it was like to feel someone force themselves on you, so this could not be that. He was a nice guy, it was definitely “consensual”. Things could have gone to far, but luckily the light switched on, it was his mom. Screaming, livid, “get these whores out of my house..” So we did the walk of shame, and left at 6am. My first walk of shame.. summer of 2009. Our first hangover, of what would become a normal every weekend.
A week before school, another party. Another senior party. The only freshman that were there. This was a real party, and the boys that we had met with a few weekends ago were there. But they didn’t have any intentions on talking to us again. They got what they wanted. Again, this time my poison Captain and Coke mixed with a little bit of Cocaine, and some weed. I was out of my mind. I definitely made a fool out of myself in front of everyone. Everyone was asking why we were here, who invited the kids. I was so fucked up. I can’t even remember this night correctly. I remember going out onto the roof, and glancing over the edge, what would it be like to fall? Would the fall be quick and painless? Or would it seem like an eternity?
I often had these dark thoughts, that was until I met my first serious boyfriend… (let’s call him Lee) Lee just moved schools and didn’t know anything about me. The rumors, the lies, a fresh start. Everything was great for the first few weeks. The honeymoon phase. Learning about each other and making each other smile. I lost my virginity to him, in my basement, I was scared. I remember gripping onto the side of the couch saying “stop that hurts”! “Shut up, take it bitch..” I ignored it. I asked for it. It wasn’t assault.. Little did I know that this relationship was going to impact me in such a negative and unhealthy way. He got kicked out of his house, so he moved in shortly after we started dating (RED FLAG) He was always disappearing and skipping school. He was constantly In and out of juvie, I stuck with him through it all. This went on for about 2 years. He didn’t respect me, and I didn’t respect myself.
Slowly as that relationship died out, I ventured out and went a little crazy “dating” and partying. I was just looking for someone to love me. The way that I craved to be loved. I passed out in cornfields, I passed out on sidewalks, I’d puke until I thought I was going to have to get my stomach pumped. I was a hot mess. I don’t know how I made it out alive. But I did, and I did for a reason. All of that hurt, anger, and depression was worth it.
This thing called Life 