Monster in a mask

He wasn’t malicious, he wasn’t a monster. Or at least that’s the way he projected himself. He took me on vacations, he took me to the beach, he spoiled me. He manipulated my mind. He was a monster in a mask.

I remember he would make it a game, He called it “big fish” he’d make me touch it. I said that it was gross, and he said it’s just like a big fish that your dad catches. I was five.

I did tell. I told my grandma. Papa shows me his PP. She told me that I could get in big trouble for lying. So that’s what it was. A made up story. I convinced myself that she was right, and I never spoke of it again until I did. She had to have known. Why didn’t she see the signs?

I remember playing hide and seek. I used to look over at the neighbors house and just think of how easy it would be to get over there to tell them for somebody to help me to rescue me. But I never did. How easy it would be to tell our waitress at a secluded diner he would take me.

He talked to me like I was an adult. We had jokes, and we had TV shows. He would watch TV shows about crime. About rape and murder. I think he was fascinated. It made him feel normal to know that other people thought the way that he did.

As I got older it got weird. He took me to see a movie that had a lot of nudity and I just felt very uncomfortable the whole time. I remember sitting in my seat just feeling very uneasy and still to this day when that movie title pops up I get that memory, that disgusting uneasy feeling. He would take me up north, take me out of my original comfort zone. He would isolate me from others and from my family. He would start taking me alone, he wouldn’t include other family members. Why didn’t they see the signs?

I vividly remember one night he was babysitting me while my mom and dad were out of town. I was so terrified, I wanted to sleep with my lights on. He wouldn’t let me. He came in my room that night and laid in the bed next to me. I Pretended to sleep. He ran his hands all over my body, and for the first time he put his lips on mine. I wanted to throw up, I felt sick. What do you do in that situation? An 8-year-old child.

He got nastier as I grew older. Some things I still cannot talk about, but they haunt. I see those nights, I feel the pain and I relive it.

He’s taken so much from me, things that I can’t get back. Ever.

It’s been 11 years, and I still have not healed. I don’t know if you truly ever can. I went to therapy, but when things get real I can’t bare. It’s been 11 years, and I still have not healed. I feel overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Looking back now I just feel like an idiot for not telling sooner. But you’ll never truly know the feelings and the thoughts that were going through my head especially at such a young age.

When the darkness comes through, it means you’re evolving. This is the first time I’ve even said this out loud. This was my first auto blog, and I feel Numb. I feel dark, like I’m taking this story out of a book. I’m having flashbacks.

To grow you must face things that you have hidden from yourself. To evolve you must realize that it’s not your fault. To overcome you must move forward.