When I reflect on our relationship I realize I did love you. Of course I loved you. I married you. But when exactly did I fall out of love with you? What was my breaking point; people keep asking. I don’t have an answer. Do I need one? Aren’t my feelings valid enough, sometimes feelings can’t be put into words.
Month 2 on my own.. I am feeling empowered. I am finding myself. For what I truly believed I had found in him. But that wasn’t the best me I could be. When you find someone that you connect with on an energetic level your soul will sing.. mine wasn’t even humming. I want deep soulful connections. I want someone to adore me for who I am. My weird quirky self. I am slowly loving myself again. I want to be with someone that makes me love myself from all of the love they pour into me. I am finding new confidence I never knew I had. I’m seeing a new side to myself that’s been caged.
I think we meet people for a reason. Every soul that passes us is for a reason. We may not always know the reason.. but it’s there. Lessons. Taking something from the last to improve the next. Heartbreak and tears, we need those to grow over the years.
My first love Lee. I often still wonder how he is. I needed him to show me love. What I believed to be love. At such a young age my heart was his. For years. No matter what he did I always made my way back. You’re in jail? I’ll wait for you. Write me. You stole from me? I forgive you. We all make mistakes. I needed that relationship to show me what to avoid. Girl you deserve way better. You deserve someone to respect you and your family. I only saw the good.. maybe I can make him change.. I believed every lie every broken promise.
Or Dean. I’d love to say I had a deep love with him.. but I’d be lying to myself. I did love him.. but I wasn’t in love with him. Things just went way too fast. Not having the best home life growing up I don’t give myself the credit I deserve. You don’t need a man to support you. But I was young and dumb. Struggling to find worth in myself and he gave it to me. Everything I wanted to hear. But the age gap only slight caused problems.. nights out and I was too young. There were other girls, and I stayed at home.. keeping my heart open only to trust too hard and get let down harder. I opened up and got let down.
Kansas City was a way to escape the toxicity, so I jumped first shot.. only to fall into antithetical toxic relationship. The one I call my husband. Well for the time being. He’s not a bad person. He is great. My protector. My teacher. He loved me deeply. We had tons in common even things that I didn’t think I’d enjoy i enjoyed with him. I never got to see a healthy relationship and he gave me that. He taught me how to be an adult. I truly think if it weren’t for him I’d be dead in a ditch somewhere. But he saw that.. he took advantage of that. Of me. I was easily manipulated. He gave me a choice friends or him.. Control. Jealousy. Secluded. He said he felt the relationship slipping so he pulled the chain tighter.. That’s what did it.
I’m like a flower I need to be free. Grow in my own soil. You can water me and help me grow. But it rains and then I bloom. You never gave me that freedom I need. You tried to separate me from all of the other flowers. But it gets lonely. I belong to the earth. Not a man.
This thing called Life 